How Jesus got his name

How Jesus got his name

A one act nativity play

by Matt Hew RSV

Place: Camelodge Hotel (rear of), Bethlehem

Time: almost midnight

Date: late BC

(Two weary travellers, a man and a heavily pregnant woman, stand in the entrance of a small stable. The man holds up a lantern.)

MARY: Is this it?

JOSEPH: You heard the landlord - they're full. Everywhere's full. He only let us have this because you're about to pop.

MARY: Tell me about it.

JOSEPH: (hangs the lantern from a rafter and begins to prepare a bed from straw) It's only for one night. We'll just have to make the best of what we could get.

MARY: But what if he (she pats her stomach) comes tonight? Where would we put him?

JOSEPH: Or her. We'd get by. (inspects a wooden feeding trough)

MARY: You can forget that for a start. How would it look - a newborn baby in a manger of all places?

JOSEPH: We wouldn't have to tell anyone. Who'd believe it anyway?

MARY: (sighs, sits on the bed) Oh, I don't know. I was hoping for better. (to self) Mother was right - I should never have married a carpenter in a land without trees.

JOSEPH: Stop whinging, will you? It's not my fault you're in this state, is it?

MARY: (smiles and looks upwards) No. It's a gift. From Him.

JOSEPH: Yeah? Well, I don't buy it. All right, I may have a little difficulty (searches for the phrase) meeting my performance target, but I can't go along with this virgin birth stuff. I never heard of it happening to anyone else.

MARY: It happened all the time to my friends at college.

JOSEPH: All the same, I have my suspicions. What about that door-to-door soothsayer? The one you said could stay the night.

MARY: The weather was bad.

JOSEPH: We don't have weather in this part of the world.

(Mary lies on the bed. Joseph attends to their donkey. A strange noise is heard)

Psst!

MARY: What was that?

JOSEPH: What?

Psst!

MARY: There it is again.

JOSEPH: It's nothing. It's only the donkey farting.

(A low voice calls out) Over here. (simultaneously, they notice a man's head and shoulders round the door of the stable. The man indicates for Joseph to come over to him)

JOSEPH: (braces himself, goes to the man) What's the problem, mate?

MAN: Can I rent your ass?

JOSEPH: (turns angry) What the hell are you on about? I'm here with my wife. We'd like some peace and quiet, if you don't mind. Now piss off!

MAN: No, you don't understand. Your donkey.

JOSEPH: (calms) Oh, right. Got it. (laughs) I though..."

MAN: (enters fully into the stable) We'd like to hire it, just for an hour or so. The landlord said you'd arrived on one.

JOSEPH: The donkey's a bit knackered, actually. Like us. We've travelled a long way today. (remembers, looks behind the man) Whose 'we'?

MAN: Sorry, I should've said. (with pride) The three Wise brothers, pork butchers, famous all over the east end. (holds out a hand which Joseph shakes) I'm Melchior Wise - Mel. The thing is, we're rushed off our feet, it being Christmas Eve and that. All our donkeys are out delivering and there's this shepherds' ball going on at the Star. That's the big place up on the hill. You can see the sign from here. They call for more sausages; we have no transport; they take their business elsewhere.

JOSEPH: (considers for a moment) I'll have to have a word with the missus. It's her donkey, you see. (Joseph crosses to Mary on the bed, and Mel follows.)

MEL: (expresses delight) Ah! You're expecting a baby.

MARY: Yep. (grips herself through a spasm of pain) And pretty soon I'd say. Must be the rough road from Nazareth. (more spasms, followed by alarm) Hell an' all, I'm wet - the waters! (tries to get up but falls back. Screams out) It's coming!

(Mel puts a finger and thumb into his mouth and emits a shrill whistle, making Joseph and Mary start. Two men enter the stable and come running over.)

MEL: My brothers, Casp and Balthie. They're used to this (vaguely indicates Mary's condition) with the sow.

(The four men get busy. One brings hot water, another some clean cloths, two attend to Mary. Groans and shrieks from the bed. Soon, a baby's cry is heard)

JOSEPH: It's a boy!

MEL: (embraces Joseph) Congratulations!

CASP: (shakes Joseph's hand) Well done!

BALTHIE: (he, too, takes Joseph's hand which he shakes with excessive vigour. He makes a sound not unlike that of a sheep) Myr-r-h.(Joseph gives a puzzled smile)

MEL: (leans close to Joseph, cups his hand to his mouth) Balthie's a bit - you know. (taps the side of his head) Perfectly harmless, mind.

MARY: (to all) Hey! And what about me? Don't I get some praise for my part?

(the men takes turns to kiss Mary on the cheek and coochy-coo the baby)

MEL: (to his brothers) Now then, lads. Where's our manners? We can't go without leaving the baby a present. Let's see what we've brought with us. (feels inside jacket and pulls out a money pouch. Selects from pouch) Here's one of those new gold coins showing the head of Caesar.

CASP: (breaks into a jig, sings the words of a popular song of the time)

Caesar, seize her,
Hug her and squeeze her.
She's a good looker,
So take her and -

MEL: (cuts him off) Tha-ank you. That'll do. What have you got for the baby? Go on, have a look.

CASP: (rummages in pockets, makes decisions on objects not brought out) Nnn. No. Er - nah. Hang on - got just the thing. (opens coat, puts hand down front of trousers)

MEL: What...?

CASP: (pulls out a candle) Scented, like. (sniffs at it) Lovely bucket.

MEL: (emphasises the syllables) Boo-kay. What's it say on the label?

CASP: (spells out laboriously) Feh. Reh. Ah. Neh. Kicking-leg keh. (with greater confidence) Frank-sends-his-

MEL: (grabs the candle) Give it here. (reads aloud from the label) 'Frankincense. Made from best aromatic gum resin. Not to be inserted in body orifices.' I suppose it'll do. (turns to Balthie) And you?

BALTHIE: (looks around, confused) Myr-r-h.

MEL: Never mind. (goes to Mary) These are for baby, baby... What's the little fellow's name?

MARY: We don't have one, yet. (looks accusingly at Joseph) Do we, dear.

JOSEPH: You see, if it's a boy we're supposed to call him Emmanuel, according to a dream I had.

MEL: So, what's wrong with Emmanuel?

MARY: No way! It'd be shortened to Manny, like the name of his bookie.

MEL: Well. what about your name? (nods towards Joseph)

MARY: Two Josephs? Too confusing.

MEL: You could add the family name. What might that be?

JOSEPH: You mean like Joseph the son of (takes a deep breath) Joseph son of Jacob son of Matthan son of Eleazar son of Eliud son of Achim son of Zadok son of Azor son of Eliakim son of Abiud son of Zerubbabel son of Shehaltiel son of Jechoniah?

MARY: That's Jechoniah as in the son of Josiah son of Amos son of Manasseh son of Hezekiah son of Ahaz son of Jotham son of Uzziah son of Joram son of Jehoshaphat son of Asa son of Abijah son of Rehoboam son of Solomon...

JOSEPH: ...son of David by the wife of Uriah, the same David son of Jesse son of Obed son of Boaz by Ruth, the same Boaz son of Salmon by Rahab, the same Salmon son of Nahshon son of Amminadab son of Ram son of Hezron son of Perez son of Judah by Tamar, the same Judah son of Jacob son of Isaac son of Abraham.

MEL: Hmm. I get your point. Could be tricky when it comes to form filling.

JOSEPH: We need a name that's original. Something we can remember.

MEL: (to Casp) Any suggestions?

CASP: Me, I like Wayne. (sings) A Wayne 'n a manger, no crib for the babe...

MEL: (dismisses Casp, turns to Balthie): You?

BALTHIE: Myr-r-h.

MEL: (shrugs) Seems we're out of ideas.

(Mel folds his arms then brings up a hand to stroke his chin. Casp and Balthie follow his example. Mary is feeding the baby. Joseph paces up and down the stable, hands behind back. At the end of the shed are tools and implements. Leant against the wall is the handle of a rake. Joseph steps on the head of the rake, concealed under a spread of straw. The handle hits Joseph hard in the face. He yells out in pain)

JOSEPH: JESUS CHRIST!

MEL: (suddenly animated) That's it! You've got it!

MARY: (gives a nods of approval) Mmm. (slowly enunciates) Je-sus.

JOSEPH: (runs fingers across the wound on his forehead) Christ.

MEL: (goes over to Joseph, pats him on the back) Our saviour.

(from outside, the chime of bells)

ALL: Born on Christmas Day.